Ok. I have to get something off my chest here. Grandma- this post is not for you. Look away. This is going to be a bit of a rant.
Target has turned me into a dirtbag.
In my bedroom renovating adventures, we’ve been searching for the perfect duvet cover. I ordered one online from India- and it’s true- you get what you pay for. I knew it was too good to be true as soon as I opened the box and it smelled like the sweat and tears of small children. The opening was sewn in backwards. Two of the ruffles didn’t match the rest of it. It was a poly-blend, NOT 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton.
Back to the drawing board.
Fool me once, shame on you… I’m not ordering online anymore. I scoured all of Cranbrooks VAST selection of bedspreads and duvet covers- the shopping here is, well… Moving on.
Finally we ended up at Target. USA Target. Supposedly that is the mecca of Targets, and the Canadian Target is just a pasty northern cousin. I expected to buy more, and pay less. I expected big things. I expected to be blown away.
I wasn’t. There were only a couple more styles than I had seen at my home Target. Graham and I hummed and hawed over our options, and finally picked one.
We both thought that the geometric pattern would sort of compliment the diamond tufting on the new headboard and that the purple-ish grey tones would bring out the French Linen colour of the buttons and the bedside tables. I took it home, washed it, and put it on the bed. I stared at it for a very, very long time.
Then I gasped.
It was a…
GRANDMA- LOOK AWAY.
It was vagina print.
GAH I can’t believe I just wrote that, but so help me God that’s what I saw. All. Over. The. Bed.
I was horrified (sort of like my grandma will be if she is still reading this post. I DID WARN YOU- i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry……)
I couldn’t stop looking at it. It was like watching a decorative train wreck. And maybe, yes, that does make me a dirtbag but I am a boudoir photographer and well, I deal with a lot of nude and semi-nude women. I’m just sayin’. I know what I saw.
I sent a photo of the bedspread to a reliable friend. I asked her what she thought. She said she saw the same thing I did. Two rights make a wrong, or at least confirm it.
After I recovered from my initial shock, I decided to write Target a friendly letter, outlining my experience and perhaps giving them some advice for moving on in the future.
Here it is:
Dear Target, I recently purchased a duvet cover from your Kalispell, Montana location. I was so excited about it- I rushed home, washed it, and immediately threw it on my bed. It was the perfect colour. It was soft and inviting. It was printed with vaginas.
Imagine my surprise when I realized that my bed had been transformed. There were little purple pussies plastered all over every king-sized inch. It was vagilicious. It oozed sexuality. I was taken aback, unable to get the gaping babymaker print out of my mind. In horror, I tried looking at it from another angle. It was no use. Ladybits stared me blatantly in the face.
Target, I was in no way prepared for the erotic overtones of this bedspread. The label should come with an 18A Explicit Content rating. Never before have I seen so much vag on one bed- even in my wine cooler-induced college experimentation days. Now every time I slide into bed and my feet snag on the sheets, I feel like I’ve stolen someone’s virginity.
You have made me into a porn star, Target, and for that, I shake my fist at you.
Anyway- now I am thinking we probably need to find a better duvet cover. This one is scandalous and I just don’t know if I can slide into bed without feeling like I’m stealing home base.